Bonfires

I imagine my student loan debt as a little bonfire, slowly burning back home.  And I am just throwing little portions of my hard earned money in to keep it burning, one dollar bill or mil colones at a time.  Every once in a while, even my family or my friends will throw in too.  They will crumple up a few bucks and toss them in and watch as it takes a moment for the paper to catch but then quickly engulfs itself and disappears.  They do this because they feel bad for me.  Thanks guys.  

When I first graduated, the bonfire burned quite nicely.  Recently, just the the embers are glowing. Every once in a while it might even choke out a little bit, a tiny stream of smoke climbing upwards, and I come running over to breathe some monetary life into it.  

I got an e-mail the other day that said don’t quit now! If you just keep paying the minimum, if you just keep feeding me, in 20 years, your soul loan will be forgiven.  That’s promising.  20 years.  I will be 46.   

I’m not sure who this little bonfire is keeping warm.  I am not comforted by the heat it radiates.  More like annoyed.  I’ve never actually touched this money, either, which is still a strange phenomenon to me.  It has been numbers on a computer screen since I took out a loan in 2007 to go to UNCW.  Electronically sign here, okay.  Abra cadabra, money in my bank account for tuition, books, rent, food (and maybe a few Avett concert tickets.)  Every transaction I have made in repayments has been on the computer.  (I am fully aware that there is a very complex financial and economical theory to these “STUDENT LOANS”, but I am also fully aware that 18 year old me didn’t know what it was and 26 year old me has failed to figure it out.)

All I know is that this little bonfire is like singed into my eyeballs.  You know when you look at the fire too long.  It’s hypnotizing and you can’t look away, and when you do, your whole vision is impaired by this gaping white spot.  It takes you a minute to adjust and it never really goes away -  you can still see it when you close your eyes.  

I guess what I am getting at is I’ve put on some shades.  I’ve put on some polarized aviators actually, cause that’s what my dad wears, and while I’m not going to pretend that it’s not there, burning incessantly, I’m going to let the embers cool down for a while, until there is a nice fine white ash covering the burnt ground.  Am I going to keep this dimly lit fire burning for 20 years?

I hope not.  

But, for now, I am the happiest I have ever been.  I may not be paying off that stupid debt or following really any of that 50/30/20 budget plan that sounds so easy but really isn’t.  I am withoutadoubt living in the moment.  I have a new job in Grecia, Costa Rica.  I have a house with hot water and a good friend that is teaching me do yoga, dance bachata and wear high heels again.  Luckily, back when I had some more money, I bought myself a roundtrip plane ticket back home to Charlotte to spend some time with my family.  I can’t wait to see you guys, but I am glad it is round trip, because I am not ready to leave this place for good.

I had an interview for the job of my dreams here in Costa Rica with an experiential education company called Outward Bound, I am sure you've heard of it.  Ironic that the only thing I want to do with my life is get students to travel abroad, when I am trying desperately to pay for my time as a student from abroad.  I haven’t heard back from them, but ya know, that’s okay.  Because I am still doing what I want to do, and had wanted to do, for a very long time.   And I surprise myself everyday by how I’ve continued to make it work, despite not having much money.

So burn on little baby!  According to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, outstanding student loan debt in the United States lies between $902 Billion and $1 Trillion with around $864 Billion in Federal student loan debt.  So it doesn’t seem like anyone else is any huge rush to pay that off.  

View from my new digs.